Rest in Peace: How to Hold Grief and Judgment at the Same Time

Sep 14, 2025

4 min read

Updated: 4 days ago

RIP is three letters most of us have written, often as a formality. It comes from the Latin requiescat in pace, may he or she rest in peace, and it has been carved into stones as far back as the eighth century. It was a wish, a blessing, a hope. This week Charlie Kirk was murdered, and many of the reactions online lacked humanity. I noticed one small word doing a lot of damage. It's sad he died, but. Once the but arrives, the sadness disappears and what is left is blame. This matters well beyond one news story. Anyone who leads people will face a loss involving someone their team disagreed with, or someone they hold a grudge against themselves. So I want to break the three letters down, and then hand you a napkin exercise for your own life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNd5g4m2_aA

From Edge of the Napkin, Episode 294 of Paper Napkin Wisdom.

Why the word but erases the sadness

I watched the reactions pour in. Some said it was sad he died. Others said rest in peace. Some said it was sad he died, but he provoked this, or that.

When we use but, the first half of the sentence almost disappears. What if we let both be true? It is sad he died. His life ended before its time. And it may also be true that he provoked other things. Both can sit side by side if they must.

So the bigger thing I wonder about is this. When we talk about death, what do we want to multiply? Peace or more strife. More suffering or hope.

What rest, in and peace each ask of the living

Rest means the struggle is over. Whoever the person was, however they lived, their striving ends. Which makes me wonder what it gives us to keep the fight alive after they are gone.

In is small and important. The phrase says rest in peace, not rest if. That makes it inclusive. If we only allow peace for people we agree with, it is not really peace. It is another form of judgment.

Peace does not mean the absence of conflict. It means the presence of harmony, and harmony is not a prize for good behavior. If peace is conditional, it is a transaction. I also think of peace as something we move toward, rather than conflict we push away from.

How to wish someone peace and still hold them accountable

Saying someone should rest in peace does not excuse everything that happened in their life. Accountability for harm still has to be faced. Consequences matter. Justice matters.

Death is where the striving stops, though. If we turn a death into fuel for more anger or a justification for violence, we do not advance justice. We spread more grief, more harm and more hopelessness.

There is a difference between two statements. This person caused harm and we must keep dealing with the consequences. Or, this person does not deserve peace. One keeps us anchored in justice. The other keeps us trapped in hate. I wonder which one you would pick if you asked which actually moves the world forward.

Where are you withholding peace in your own life

It is easy to judge public figures. It is harder to look in the mirror. Where are you quick to erase compassion because someone did something wrong? Someone said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, or looked at you the wrong way.

So instead of posting that anyone who thinks a certain way should unfriend you, try reaching out. Ask whether the two of you share a hope for an optimistic future. Find what you have in common going forward and put your focus there.

Maybe you disagreed with Charlie Kirk. I did, on many things. Maybe you supported him, or barely thought about him. None of that changes what you can take from this moment. A death can be a mirror for the rest of us. How do I live differently knowing life is fragile? And what would I say differently, knowing words outlast us? How do I treat people, knowing one day they too will be gone?

How to apply this in your life and work this week

Grab a paper napkin. Write R-I-P and circle each letter.

Rest. Where are you still carrying a fight that needs to end, and can you let it go?
In. Who have you pushed outside your circle or decided is unworthy? Why, and what did that do for you?
Peace. Where are you withholding peace, and what would happen if you extended it, even silently?

Maybe there is a grudge, a missing apology, or something left unfinished you could let go.

Then take it one step further. Write the name of the hardest person you can imagine. Under it, write I wish you peace, I wish you harmony, I wish you hope. Sit with that and notice what shifts.

In the end, RIP is about us. When we practice extending peace, even in thought, we open space for healing, most of all our own. We can decide to be someone who multiplies peace and love, who practices nonviolence, and who learns rather than only reacting. That is how we honor the words.