How to Practice Becoming the Leader You Want to Be Before the Moment Arrives

Mar 8

5 min read

Updated: Oct 29

A lot of capable leaders are waiting. They think once they become successful, they will act confident. Once they become disciplined, they will show up consistently. Once they become a leader, they will speak like one. I notice it rarely works that way. Elite athletes, musicians and pilots do not wait to become. They practice becoming, slowly at first, then with more speed, more pressure and more complexity, until the practice turns into performance. Identity works the same way. If you want to become calmer, more confident or more congruent as a leader, you need a place to practice it before life puts you under pressure. Because pressure is not where identity gets built. It is where identity shows up. This piece is about where that practice happens, and how to start.

From Edge of the Napkin, Episode 346 of Paper Napkin Wisdom.

Why pressure reveals who you are but does not create it

Most people wait. They wait until life puts them in a hard situation, then try to perform under pressure. Then they wonder why the calm, confident leader they hoped to be did not appear.

"Pressure is the place where identity is revealed." Whatever shows up in that moment is what you practiced before it.

So here's a useful set of questions. If you want to become more confident, where do you practice confidence? If you want to become a better leader, where do you practice leadership? Where do you practice calm? Where do you practice contribution?

For most of us, the answer is nowhere. We have never even asked whether we can.

What elite athletes understand about preparation

When we watch athletes on television, we see the winning shot or the impossible play. We do not see the thousands of repetitions that came before it.

The best athletes start with something smaller. They watch the film. They study the playbook and draw the play on a board. In their heads, they picture where their feet will be and where the defender will come from.

Then they walk the play out slowly, step by step. They move deliberately and repeat it again and again. After that comes pace, then complexity, then resistance. Opponents arrive. Pressure gets simulated. Eventually you get the moment we call performance.

I like this line from the episode: "performance is just practice that became public over time."

How your brain lets you practice a new identity

Your brain is plastic. It changes based on what you repeatedly think, feel and do. I think of it as programmable.

Every repeated thought is a line of code. Each repeated emotion strengthens a pathway. And every repeated action becomes part of your identity.

That means you do not have to wait for life to shape you. You can shape yourself on purpose, and install the operating system before the moment arrives.

Practice works best somewhere safe, though. Athletes have training facilities. Pilots train in simulators. Musicians work in studios. These are places where mistakes are allowed and even encouraged, and where someone is watching posture and intent.

Where a leader can practice: the weekly circle

For me, one of those places is a simple weekly call with a group of men. It is a conversation, and it is also a practice field for identity.

We practice small things that turn out to be big. Being on time is one. When someone shows up on time, they are saying this matters, and that they respect the space, the people and themselves. It is practice for congruence and commitment.

Listening is another. Real listening, which also means stopping talking on time. Most of us are trained to respond quickly, to advise, to fix, to interrupt. In the circle we practice presence instead.

At the end of each person's time, we sit in silence for a moment. Nobody rushes to fill the space. The speaker gets a sense of completion, and the group absorbs what was shared.

There is one more element. Witnesses. When others watch you practice becoming, they start to see you differently and reflect that future person back to you. As I put it in the episode, "identity grows faster when it is seen."

Focus, align, act: a simple framework for becoming

Focus. Decide what you want, and be specific. What kind of leader, partner, father, friend, human being? Picture that future in full. See it, hear it, feel it, step inside it.

Align. This one asks for something radical, which is self-love. You cannot build a powerful future identity from self-rejection. You build it from acceptance. Honor the person you are today while you build the one you are becoming. You do it because you are committed and growing, even though you are far from perfect.

Act. Sometimes this means performing. More often it means practicing. Try things. Practice conversations. Test ideas. Share honestly with people you trust, somewhere mistakes are allowed and people believe in who you are becoming.

There is an old fable about a young archer who kept missing. A master handed him a cloak embroidered with symbols of championships and told him to practice like the champion he would become. He stood differently and breathed differently. He aimed with calm. Gradually, the champion appeared.

How to apply this in your business this week

Start with three questions. Who are you becoming? Where are you practicing that identity? And who is witnessing your growth?

Then pick one thing to practice:

Show up on time to every meeting this week, and treat it as practice for commitment.
In one conversation, listen until the other person is finished. Resist the urge to advise or fix.
After someone shares something hard, sit in silence for a moment before you respond.
Find or form a small circle of peers who will notice the person you are becoming and reflect it back.

The courage you practice in private shows up in meetings. Calm you practice in reflection appears under pressure. People will say you changed. You will know you practiced your way there.